Ah, Halloween. Halloween was certainly my favorite holiday; what other day of the year to you get the stuff your face in candy, watch scary and/or awesome monster movies, and dress up like a dragon or ninja? Yep, Halloween was the shit growing up. Unfortunately though with amazing things, there's always at least one downside, and with Halloween, there was bad candy. Candy that was given to the nearest pet. Candy that you dared your friend to eat. Candy that was better off thrown into a fire than consumed. Everybody had at least one candy in their pillow sack or plastic pumpkin that they despised. So, in the spirit of Halloween, let's look at ten universally hated "treats" that were probably invented by a sick bastard trying to find ways to ruin a kid's sugar-filled night. #10: Now and Laters
Nothing says fun like getting your fillings yanked straight out of your molars, right? These putrid squares of rock-hard artificial fruit syrup were always one of the last things to be eaten about a month later. They always just sat around, either in a candy jar or a bowl, waiting to get thrown away by Christmas. You know what's similar to Now and Laters that we'd rather have instead? Starburst. Hand those out instead, they're actually edible. #9: Tootsie Rolls
These were always terrible because a) you would always get a fuckton of them, and b) because they taste less like "chocolate", and more like " Flavorless Laffy Taffy with a hint of Ovaltine mixed in". Again, they're mainly hated because there was always at least three houses that had a giant-ass bowl of them, and gave you a huge fucking handful and dumped them into your poor plastic pumpkin, taking up much valuable space that could have been reserved for, you know, actual
chocolate. I honestly spent more time molding these into dog turds than eating them. #8: Apples
Nothing against apples or anything, I loved them as a kid and still do, but the point of Halloween is to collect teeth-rotting candy you're probably never going to eat again until next year, not getting things that were on every family's kitchen counter. The exception, of course, is wrapped candy apples. Those were awesome. #7: Granola Bars and Nutragrain Bars
Really lady? You made me walk an entire block for something that I could get in my pantry? These were never fun because they were always handed out by the rich people in your neighborhood, the people who you thought would give out full-sized candy, in an attempt to make kids eat healthier. I'm sorry, but Halloween is that magical time of the year for kids to shovel so many fucking peanut butter cups into their mouths they choke, not eat food that was designed for weight conscious moms, you killjoy. #6: Raisins
Nutragrain Bar's sociopathic cousin. Nothing is fun about shriveled up grapes. The only thing that was more wrinkled and shriveled up was the souls of the people handing them out. Really, the last thing I wanted in my pillow case was a paper box with a clusternugget of fruit fuck inside. #5: Candy Corn
Seriously, who the hell eats these? They're candle dripping molded into teeny little striped triangles. The worst part was that they came in large, bagged quantities, and they always lurked about every Halloween party. You just can't escape these waxy assorted abominations #4: Mary Janes
Okay, at least Now and Laters could be eaten if you applied enough pressure to them for a couple of hours, but these things are fucking indestructible. Mary Janes are scientifically proven to be able to withstand a nuclear apocalypse. Mary Janes are so durable that you can use them as a substitute for concrete blocks in a pinch. Mary Janes are one of the few materials on earth that are able to outlive titanium. You can experience seriously injuries if you're pelted with one. What makes them even worse was that not only could you only suck on them, but they also tasted like poo. #3: Circus Peanuts
There is a special place in hell for anyone who hands out these frumpy, squishy, molds of fuck. I could never distinguish what the hell these disgusting squished blobs tasted like; it was only recently that I concluded that they are supposed to have the distinguished flavor of plastic wrap. They resemble peanuts about as much as a Cheerio resembles a lugnut. These were almost immediately thrown away when kids got home and discovered them in their bag. #2: Necco Wafers
Hey, you know what these things resemble? Fucking Tums. You know what I'd rather eat? Fucking Tums. Necco Wafers are created in a small factory in Massachusetts, were they arrange a variety of shelves and tables in an empty room. Three months later they then harvest the accumulated dust, put it in a vat, add sidewalk chalk, and then press the colorful piles of dry wall into rock-hard patties for unsuspecting children to eat. You know a candy is bad when the only person in the room who is willing to eat them is Grandma. #1: Peanut Butter Kisses, A.K.A, those nasty things in the orange and black wrappers
OUUGHhhhHHhhhghhh these are just the worst. When I was a kid, I loved saltwater taffy, but unfortunately I couldn't have it often, because you could only get it at local, old fashioned candy stores were that shit's expensive. So you could imagine the joy I experienced when I dug through my bounty of candy, and finding a wrapped treat in the shape of some. Excited, I unwrap it, pop it in my mouth, and BAM!
Fucking peanut butter! Peanut Butter and taffy do NOT, repeat, do NOT
, go together. These unholy mounds of demon droppings belong in one place, and one place only: The fucking dumpster.
Happy Halloween everyone!